Rant Rant Rant... Sad Sad Sad...

Well i think about my love life, and how awesome it is. A.K.A. it's NON-EXISTANT. And i always think about the same thing, Why me? Is it because i'm not an Ass? Or because i'm not "Hot"? OR because i happen to have my own goals in life? It's been stumbling me for a long time now. How has no one seen who i am? Is it me? Or is it them? Am i going crazy? Or them? It's a constant thought in my head. Why, Why have i been cursed to be alone for so long? Is there a greater purpose in my life that people just see me and go, "Don't even look or think about THAT guy there."

Because no matter what the cause i know no matter  HOW positive i try to be will remain my MAIN cause of pain and sorrow within myself. The loneliness of knowing there is nothing here for you. No one of the opposite sex to talk to about things. To reveal who i truly am. It's impossible. Because simply put no one ever gives me a shot, from the way i dress to the way i act. And i KNOW i'm only 19, But think about that. 19 Years of Loneliness. And it took me a long time to actually face this. And i know that i love myself. 

SO I'M TIRED OF HEARING, " YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE OTHERS LOVE YOU"  I've been loving myself for the past 8 years. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET THROUGH. I've loved myself when those have hated me, and put me down. I WAS THE REASON I AM HERE TODAY. So please when i say why am i lonely? don't pull the you have to love yourself card. THOUGH I KNOW IT IS TRUE.

Now I had an awesome weekend, i tried something and have to say i've fallen in love. SIMPLY because it helped me relieve SO MUCH STRESS. And in the end i felt great. And Now i sit back and look at my life as it is now and realize i feel like shit.. My life in my eyes looks bad.. And i wish my life could always be as great as it was over the weekend... But there isn't any possible way.. At least not until i leave this place..

-Jared

Why in the world...

I've been thinking lately, and i've noticed that a lot of girls wear a BUNCH of make up. Which (to me) makes them look completely fake. Don't get me wrong some make up is cool. But when you PILE it on like there is no tomorrow it makes you look like you aren't yourself. It makes you almost seem like a Weird Cut Out. But i've realized this through many people i've seen either consistently putting more make up on, or packing it on early and when you walk up to em you see every single layer of make up they just put on.

That and the consistent need for people to talk about others make up. What they are using and what tips they know. It's like (to me) WHY do we care so much about how we look (example: Looking "Younger" or having "Great" skin) now i think it is nice to DRESS nice (no ripped clothing or just dirty clothes) But our constant need to look younger disgusts me. To me (can be simply because i am a guy) when i get older so be it, i don't give a flying hell. If i bald i bald, if i have really bad skin so be it. I'm not going to sell my soul to just be accepted by people who can never accept what life has given them.

And i blame stupid stuff like this to our society. We all need to look at ourselves. What we have. For men Growing a Beard is UNHEARD OF. Which back in the day if you didn't have one YOU were a no one. And for girls if you don't dress like a (sorry to say) SLUT then you are a no one. EVERY SINGLE THING is backwards. Dressing appropriately is almost thrown out the window so one can be noticed. Constantly shaving so you look "Good", when in reality all you do is look like you are a teenage boy. SIMPLY because having something is "Hideous".

Now hear me out. I grew a beard for close to 6 months, and all i heard almost EVERY SINGLE DAY from the 3rd month or so was, "Shave whatever is on your FACE you look UGLY" or something to that nature. Have we grown to hate how we would look naturally? YES. We have been somewhat told since birth that "You have to be "Clean", Go to College, Get a GREAT Job, Make a lot of money, Have a Family that conforms etc etc..". To me this is insane, Simply put Money, School, Jobs don't make ANY person happy. FAMILY and FRIENDS do.

But i was told EVERY Day that what i wanted to do with MY LIFE was wrong. I was told i was going nowhere. Because of a Beard. And before that I got a Tattoo. And when that happened i was told i would NEVER get a GOOD paying Job. And my Life is OVER because i got something on my body THAT I BELIEVE IN. Who is to tell me what i can and cannot do? NO ONE. If i want to do something i will do it. If my life is "Over" I wouldn't be trying to go to school or even keep my job. I would go do Drugs and kill myself or some crazy stuff like that.

If you see someone with a SHIZ ton of make up on just look at them. And think to yourself why do they do that? Is it because they think they are "Ugly"? Or because they just want to be accepted by peers? Same as you would someone with Piercings or Tattoos or heck even a Beard. NEVER put limits on OTHER people. Simply look at them and think why did they do what they did. I got my Tattoo (Believe on my Right inner Forearm) because i had lost faith in myself. And the word stuck around in my life and saved me from myself. I Grow the beard i have because of a man named Evan Tanner. AND a part of me just loves having a beard. And the fact that it makes me feel better about myself.

But seriously, Don't judge people so quick. Be kind to others. Be more Down To Earth. (Forgive me) But FUCK trying to fit in. All you do is lose yourself. And when that happens who are you? What are your goals? YOU wouldn't even know. If you want to grow a beard GROW one, if you want 485239 Tattoos Get them, if you want to never wear make up DO IT. Just be yourself and if people hate you for it then (forgive me again) FUCK them. They don't deserve to get to know you. Same thing applies to EVERY single thing in life. Don't be scared to venture out and do things you wouldn't normally do.

Because as long as you are yourself and you believe ANYTHING in life is possible.

-Jared

Worthless....(old stuff)

I have always wondered in my life, why we all must bring others down. To make other people feel like complete Crap. To make other people feel worthless, like nobodies. We seem to consistently bring others down just to do it. We seem to not care about what they think. We have turned into a Species that only cares about our own well being. It’s sad to say it. But from what i have seen through out my life it seems to be true.  I have seen my best friends fall, hit rock bottom. And it kills me to see them hit the bottom. 

I have personally hit many bottoms in my life. It took me years to get over one before it seemed like 10 more issues hit me. I never went to anyone to talk to about how i felt, or even at times be the helping hand. That grand listening force. I have felt every down, from being made fun of, to hearing friends go through the worst imaginable things. And at times all i could do is sit back and realize that i have been no help at all through someones hard time.

Yet through all of this i’ve always wondered why do we all tend to let our selves get to these points? the LOWS... We are all unique. We all do things differently. There is no reason to be down. At least for me, when being made fun of i would always blow it off. And it would come back and haunt me for what seemed like an eternity. I have noticed that making myself down, i was literally playing into their hands. I was letting myself go. I wasn’t letting the best of my life go to the surface.

Not to sound “cliche” but we all need to put the best of our lives on the surface. We should not dwell on the terrible things that people can say about us. We are all not worthless. We all have a purpose in life. It is our destiny to make our futures what we want them to be. So do your best. AND BECOME WHAT YOU WANT. Because your best interests are better then everyone else’s. 

I’ve also realize that me, yes ME am a great person. I’ve grown so tired lately of my life being all about ME.. Me, Me, Me, Me. I’ve been dreading the day that i can literally stop focusing on my life. And just spend the time and get to know someone else. Get to hear their problems, and their triumphs. Because i’ve been tired of my life at the moment. It seems like to me i have not done anything for myself. All i do is keep myself alive at the moment. I feel like Crap.. My life at the moment is at a cross roads. 

I want to leave.. But i know i can’t.. I want to find someone to cherish, but i can’t.. I also want to help others.. But how can i? I don’t know.. But it will all come to me someday... And to be honest even though it hurts all i can do is wait..

-Jared

Old stuff i wrote... but the meaning is still the same..

Now I’ve gotten lately some GREAT news. My AC1 was below the normal for a Person of Type 1 Diabetes. (From what the doctor said it was WAAY below Diabetic) That means a lot to my life at the moment, some of the greatest news EVER. Though i cannot get an insulin pump. I can care less. It’s now showing me that I'm in control of MY life. And i love it. It makes me feel great knowing I'm doing so well. But the fight is never really over. This whole Diabetes thing is a life long journey. And all i can do is take it 1 step at a time. And shoot for the stars.

Now my friends. Yes.. My FRIENDS. I’ve lately been hanging out with some old friends. and i have to say. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed being with them and just relaxing, and getting out of my house. And it feels even BETTER to talk to them about shit that goes through my head. I feel great. And hopefully so do they. How i’ve thought they’ve changed and they are still the same. It’s great.. And i have to thank them all for being there. And being a part of my life. I owe you all one.

Now lately my love life has been... Well simply put... Non-existent. Which does suck. But what the fuck can i do about it in this little town that only has party people? I want someone who cares about their own personal well being compared to trashing their body just to be “COOL”. Stop the stupid drug use, stop the constant drinking and pick up a damn book and read it. Start USING your LIFE instead of WASTING IT.

And i’ve also noticed this town has nothing left for me, I have NOTHING to do here. And I’m quite litterally going insane being here.. it sucks to say.. But there is nothing left for me here. And i cannot wait to get the HELL OUT OF HERE. This town is just full of sad dreams, failed moments, and Drama. I want to go some place and just relax.. And realize i’m no longer in a place that just brought me to my hell. I want to feel free.

Oh and one last thing. FUCK being “COOL”. FUCK USING PEOPLE FOR YOUR PERSONAL GAIN. AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? WE ALL HAVE FEELINGS. WE ALL ARE THE REAL COOL PEOPLE. AND WE RATHER HELP PEOPLE THEN USE THEM. SO FUCK YOU.

P.S. - Please, start to believe in yourself. Your future depends on it.

Peace&Love

-Jared

The Pen.

Yes The Pen.

It is something that can destroy and build lives. We use them to sign important papers and we also use them to write how much we despise someone. They are the true gateway to the human soul. Because one can either A.) Write for love and to better themselves or even tell others their pains and sorrows. Or B.) Write about hate, and completely destroy those around them. And we all need to realize what we do with The Pen. For the most part we bring hurt onto others with it. We could care less about who gets hurt or what happens. When in fact we should.

Now some people pour their feelings out with The Pen. I am one of those people. I try to use The Pen to tell others about things i think about. Or even about my life, my struggles, my triumphs, and my goals. Now The Pen to me is something much stronger then most people imagine. We think of it as well a Pen. Nothing more Nothing less. When in fact it is our soul (in essence). We use them to show others what can not be said, we also use them to tell those around us how much we despise them.

It is the gateway into the human soul. We either use The Pen to help or destroy. Simply put as, we use a pen to sign important documents, we use a pen to write how we feel, we use a pen to show our hate, we use a pen to show our love. As i said it is the gateway to our souls. Because our words are powerful. What we write has an effect, wether good or bad. The Pen is the most influential object in the world. Because when there is a Pen, there is always someone who will write their feelings, life, or even thoughts.

We don't realize it but The Pen in essence is our source of getting how we are as people into the open. It shows others who we are and what we stand for. And people no matter the fact respect what is written with The Pen. Because in the end it is the persons feelings, their heart that goes into what they write. Words that are written with The Pen are the most powerful things in the world. Because you give them your soul, you show people who you are. So when you see a pen, think of it as a gateway and not just an object. Because only you can truly make The Pen work it's magic.

-Jared

Death, yes death.

Religion And Death

As i sit here thinking about my own religious beliefs i realize. I technically do not have one. My whole life i always thought about what would happen when if i did die? I would literally sit there and ponder, is it like all the christian religions think of it. A Heaven and Hell.. Is that where we are all sent to?  Or are we reincarnated? I mean the thought of dying is supposed to scare us. But once we look at it, if we have yet accomplished anything in our lives we should be scared. It seems like if we have finished all we needed to, and we feel complete or a WHOLE. Then our life seems as if it wasn’t worthless.

We can then easily fall into the state of the dead knowing that we did something right. That we had done our job. We have done everything that we could and we had won the battle over life. I know i will reach this time in my life. And i will, notice how i say WILL embrace that day. Because i know at that instance that i have done everything i could in life. I have given it my all. And that it was not as how i thought of it when i was little as a “WASTE”.

We all need to realize we will die, and by drinking and doing drugs we are only speeding up the process. No matter the age. Yet there is no need for the stupid, “Well it’s my life.. BLAH BLAH BLAH” It’s not just your life you are effecting, there are others around you too. I’ve grown tired of being around all the smoke and drinking that i’ve been sitting in my room. Just to get away from it all. Sad? Yes... Yes it is.

CrossFit

Now i was always interested in this idea of working out. But i never got into it until i saw my father. He brought me into this world of hell and pleasure. Now that might sound wrong but hear me out. This form of working out has the be the best form i have ever used. I constantly have to push myself. It makes you go to your limit and some. It’s nothing but constant work for up to 20 mins. Nothing but going. And i truly love it. 

There is a video on youtube i watch over and over. Simply due to the fact that it motivates me. That video makes me want to do better in my life. It makes me want to go work out and go to that limit and blast past it. The Video will be at the bottom of this story. I hope you all like it. And i hope to be in great shape due to Crossfit, i will make it my life style. And i will no care what others think of me. As long as i’m doing good i can care less.

Me & My Thanks 

Now i’ve been getting loads of great responses from all of you whom have read  my stories. And i have to say thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart thank you all. You all are the reason i write these. i love hearing all your thoughts. And it makes me feel great. But one thing i can’t seem to get off my mind is how everyone is doubting themselves. STOP DOUBTING YOURSELVES! You all are the change this world needs. SO CHANGE. Stop saying Hope, and start saying WILL. Stop saying maybe and start saying YES. Do not just do it for yourself do it for OTHERS. But more importantly Do it for your FUTURE.

Perfect... Ahah right...

Now first off i must say this one thing. No ones life is perfect. NO ONES. We were all brought here to this world for a good reason. We can either attempt to figure out why we were brought here. Yet on another note we can all just sit back and do nothing for our futures. The future is there for US to take it. WE can only make our future. No one can change your future. YOU are the only person who can completely change your life, wether it be for the better or the worst. It’s up to you, yes YOU to become the change you wish to see in yourself OR even the World.

To become what you want will make you feel great. And on top of that the people around you will feel great too. Now By changing yourself for the better you can effect the world. ( I know that sounds weird, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD?! right?) But think of it like this. It doesn’t have to be the biggest thing to change the world. Like ending a giant war, curing cancer, hell even inventing a source of fuel. All it takes to change the world is the little things, in example: Influencing people, helping others (wether it be small or big), or even making someone feel like they exist.

Effecting some other persons life can have a chain reaction type of effect. It might take some time to notice, But when one is lonely just the feeling of being acknowledged will greatly effect their life, and they will try to spread the happiness (sort of say). And unless you’ve experienced the feeling of being alone, or even just feeling completely worthless. You would probably think your life is perfect. But as i said before no ones life is perfect. There is always something holding them back.

So, as we all start our new lives we all tend to be part of the “LIVE FOR THE MOMENT” crowd. And my father taught me that it is completely stupid to think like that. If you live now how will your life be later on? Will it be great? Or even terrible? Now most of the people i have met drink or even do drugs. Now it might be fun and cool now. But your health is slowly pulling away from you. Now i was lucky enough to have my second chance at life. But do you think you’d be lucky? i was surprised i was able to receive such a great gift.

Yet once you think about it, you have one count that ONE LIFE to live. Why waste it when you were “Young and fit”? We should be looking into our futures and not our present or even past. We are so used to just sitting down and doing nothing. When we should be doing everything we can so that when we do settle down and have kids they can live a life we NEVER had. Because our future is THEIR future.

I have to think about if i ever have kids how their life will be constantly. Because they will (from my knowledge) be born Diabetics. And having to put a kid through that to me is just mind-blowing. It sucks to know that i would have to provide all these materials for my kids. All the needles, Insulin, and when it comes down to it the Insulin Pumps. And for a living in the moment type of a side note, it’s literally never getting out of my head how that has to happen.

But i know i can live with that, and i will teach my kids that it wasn’t their faults. I can easily take the blame for giving them this terrible gift. But i want them to know that they can do and be whatever they want in life. And tell them to do better then i did. I want them to be as successful or if not more then myself. And i will be with them through their hard times and their triumphs. And i would be more then Gladly to help them through anything.

Anyway, We need to learn that life isn’t terrible. WE ourselves make it our own hell. We can either make it the greatest time or the most terrible time. We are our own “gods” sort of say. We can do the right thing or the wrong. And we also need to learn that Life is a whole learning experience. We learn through all of our triumphs and our down falls. We learn who is an Ass Hole, who is just so fun to be around. We learn from our relationships with other humans.

Life is always worth living. At times it might seem like your life is a hell, but remember there is always someone out there who cares about you. I personally have had my downfalls, who hasn’t? But it’s always best to just bounce back from that downfall and go forward with your life. We can’t hold grudges forever. Because all they do is destroy.

We need to learn that people that bring us down are just trying to pull us down to their level of life. We need to learn to strive for the best in OUR lives. To do what we want. Never to veer off into the path of the “FUN” times and the “WILD” parties. Try your best to keep pushing forward with your future. Then you will have a wonderful life. And if someone tell you that you are worthless then show them wrong. Become the change that you’d like to see. And never let anyone tell you that you are a Nobody. Because you ARE.

Some influence type quotes

“Believe in the power of ONE. Believe In Yourself. Believe In your own potential for greatness. Believe that you can change the world. It is something within each of us.”- Evan Tanner

“Nothing Is Impossible!”

“ Strive For Greatness”

“Never give up, push through it and think later.”

Ending Comment From Me

I’d personally like to thank everyone who has read these, I truly

Hope that they have helped you. I really like writing these.

So just remember one thing from me please.

Believe In YOURSELF.

- Jared