Monday, May 23, 2011

I wish I wish upon a Star..

I wish that i could have someone to hold, to be with every minute of the day.. To stare deeply into their eyes.. For someone to love.. Even for someone else to talk to.. To have Deep meaningful conversations with.. Someone to just hold hands with.. 

But it seems like that is just a fantasy.. No matter how much i could try.. It will never happen.. Simply because of how i look, or how i am as a person.. And i've grown to literally wait to sleep to dream.. To dream about the life i wish i could have.. To dream about the girl i wish i could have.. Because in reality everything is just that.. A Dream.. And it seems like no matter what it will stay that way.. And i know i have a "LIFETIME" ahead of me.. But who is to say i have a lifetime? Who is to say that having all the patience in the world could help me? Who is to say that it's better to not have a special someone?

It's something i've lived with for so long.. But i still want to be with someone now. Not later.. Even if it was just a Thing and nothing more.. Having someone to talk to.. To hangout with everyday... To enjoy the little things with.. It's something i've dreamed of for so long.. And have yet to actually see in my life.. And it kills me to see those around me get to enjoy and have those moments.. While i get to sit in the dark and think.. And i know i should be happy and i am.. But sitting there and everyone talking about how happy they are.. Or how many stories they have..

I don't have those moments.. And it gets tiresome to hear them.. I mean as i said i am happy for you, trust me.. But to hear about how happy you are to have a girl, and how you enjoy hanging with them and all doesn't really help me... It makes me feel more alone then ever.. It makes me personally feel like shit though it shouldn't.. I mean it makes me feel alone.. It makes me feel like i have nothing in my life.. It makes me feel like a no one.. Almost like i am not even there.. I mean it almost makes me seem like i am jelly.. But it's almost like you kind of rub it in even if you don't mean to..

So as i said.. I'm happy for you.. But at the same time it makes me want to have a girl to hold hands with.. It makes me wish i had someone.. It feels like no matter what i say, or do girls never truly see me for me. Wait.. Well they do.. But they can't get past my appearance.. So once again i will tell you all who i am deep down..

ME: I am a hopeless romantic.. I love having deep meaningful conversations.. I love having that connection with people that makes me feel accepted.. I love Tattoos and Piercings.. I love being myself.. I love Genuine Smiles.. I love PEACE.. I love music.. I love being Diabetic.. I love being Unique.. I love my Beard.. I love relaxing.. I love hanging with friends.. I love laying in bed wether i be watching tv or just doing nothing.. I love having a good laugh.. I love being around fun and interesting people.. I love hearing peoples life stories.. I love the human mind...

I also wish people could stop talking about the military.. Though i get it is a great way of getting away and getting great benefits and such.. It's just a simple fact that i was REALLY planning of joining.. BUT i cannot join anymore.. Simply because of me being Diabetic.. And hearing about it constantly makes me sorry to say HATE the whole conversation.. Yes i do understand it is a GREAT option.. But since i can't go in.. I don't like talking about it.. It is a sore subject for me.. It's almost like if we were to talk about YOUR Ex.. You feel me?

(This is the part where i wish i had a bunch of stuff :))

I wish i was Skinny.. 
I wish i had a nicer car..
I wish i had a Girl..
I wish i was more out going..
I wish i was more adventurous..
I wish people could ACTUALLY see Me for ME...
I wish people would stop judging me...
I wish people would stop using me... ( for my thoughts..)
I wish i could wake up to a beautiful face every morning..
I wish that my life could have ZERO stress and ZERO Drama..
I wish that i could just be someone else...
I wish that my life would be like how i see it when i am dreaming..

As you can see i have a bunch of dumb wishes.. But i guess i could say they are just that.. WISHES... And it seems like i can try to make others believe.. And feel great.. But in the end i can't even make myself 100% mentally.. I can have my moments of 100% mental.. But in the end.. I can never be 100%.. Simply because of my goals not being met.. And because of certain things being on my mind.. I just wish upon a star that i could finally find someone... And soon.. And finally reach a certain happiness in my life.. Even if it was just for a day.. or even a week..Or shit even for the rest of my life..

I know it sounds cheesy to say that.. But it's true.. When you have someone in your life that is it has that certain relationship meaning to it.. It makes your life seem better.. Or i should say more Bearable.. To an almost more meaningful life... I feel like if i were to somehow get into a relationship with someone that i could maybe finally move on in life and grow.. Grow more than i have already in life.. And become more at peace with myself then i have already..

I hate my low self-esteem.. I hate how i cannot for the life of me actually ask a girl out.. I do know that after some time things will work themselves out.. But it's like i cannot wait.. I need it now more then ever.. But fuck my life it probably never will.. Oh well.. On with life i suppose right? :\

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