Why do we do this...?

Why must we go to College..? "To get a better job, to get more of an education, to become a better person.. blah blah blah.." 

To be honest what the fuck are we all doing? We are going to school and spending our lives devoting our existance to something so stupid.. We have to either pay right out from our own pocket or get money through student loans. But in all what does that do, it makes us broke. And it gives us a sense of no hope. When you have to drop 2-3k on classes that are so fucking stupid, example: Biology, Math, English, Computer Information Systems, Psychology, Economic etc etc. We spend so much money for what? More of what we already somewhat know?

It's ridiculous that WE THE FUTURE have to pay and go almost in DEBT to better OURSELVES. What happened to " BETTERING THE FUTURE."? How are we going to better the future when we can't even support ourselves because we have to pay for classes and or pay off loans for SCHOOL. For something that will better US the "FUTURE" And on top of that having to deal with all the stressors such as Quizes and Exams, Midterms... Doing all your homework.. Everything.. How does that make US the future better? By making us Stress out to the point we lose who we are and become mindless and almost insane zombies?

To be honest I believe we learn more from the REAL WORLD then we would if we had gone to school for so long. I mean i'm pretty happy with my life. I mean really all I consider to be well "Mine" would be my newly bought Longboard. Simply because it's a simple and effective means of transportation. But i've learned more about myself just from skating for not even 4-5 days then I ever have going to school. I've learned that I cannot find peace within myself while I am in school because I stress so much. And when you cannot smoke any weed because you are also trying to find a job it doesn't make things any better. 

It's a simple Stress pile on. And yet when I go out at night and just cruise on my board for shit 15-30 minutes I feel more at peace with nothing then I do when I have all that stuff. Is that sad? Is that depressing? Or is that a good thing? I'm learning that now in my life all I want to do is verture out. I want to try surfing, I want to snowboard. I want to enjoy NATURE. Because simply put that is all we as HUMANS need. NATURE, in all it's beauty and splender. There is nothing more or less then I personally want right now in life but to just go out and ENJOY things. 

I wish I could smoke to make those things even MORE enjoyable but it's not that easy. Because if you don't have a job then you can't do anything. If you aren't going to college you won't go far in life and you won't be anything to Society.. Who the FUCK cares about what society wants? What is the point in owning a 1 million dollar house and all that shit when in reality you personally will never be happy? We all seriously need to WAKE UP and realize things in life aren't always important. College, Money, Power, Women, Cars, Drugs (Mary Jane is not a drug it's a plant..). What's the point in trying to make those things your life? Will you PERSONALLY be happy at the end of any of those roads? NO.

We need to seriously look at our lives think about what we LOVE to do. Whether it be Skating, Hiking, Driving a car, Working on cars, Building things, whatever it is. And we should go for that goal. It's stupid to have to do like 419244839241 things just to get to that ONE goal you have. I'm personally waiting for ITT-Tech to come around so I can simply focus on what i'd like to do as a career. But it's funny that at Universities we'd have to take 5-6? give or take classes to get to the ONE goal. Why not just study that ONE goal and be done with it. Whatever happened to that?

Personally all I want to do is get into something in the Computer field and hopefully move out to Cali and just Enjoy nature. Because Cali is one of the most beautiful places to enjoy because they have to Beach, the nice flowing Hills, and some of the most beautiful sceneary. I mean really all I can do now is just hope and wait it out. But to be honest that is hands down on of my dreams. And I know one day I will reach that goal. But of course I have to deal with all that random BULLSHIT inbetween here and then.

But real talk, We need to stop focusing on College and more schooling.. Though with todays standards it's nearly impossible to get anywhere without some form of schooling.. We as "THE FUTURE" need to focus on OUR personal LIFE GOALS. What would we want to show our future kids? To stress out and GO TO COLLEGE LIKE YOUR SUPPOSED TO! OR To sit back and enjoy life and all it's beauty. And to find your own personal calling in life and follow your dreams. It's stupid as I sit here writing this that all this came to mind simply because of Biology and how you cannot pass a quiz unless you get a complete 100% that means NO WRONG ANSWERS. It's horse shit. And we all know it.

But will we do something about it? No, because it's what society wants. I mean how am I supposed to buy that Million Dollar house and that BMW and live that rich life and never be happy but Shit I GOT MONEY. Fucking pointless and stupid. I could easily live my life as a semi making it person and feel great. As long as I got my friends and my Family that's all I need. And of course my Dreams and my Goals. It's amazing when you sit back and look at it, you can have everything material wise in life but will you personally be happy? Probably not. And I know I wouldn't.

So sit back for a second and think about what you want in life, what are your goals, what do you want and what do you need. Think about the pros and the cons. Simply put just think, use your brain. Begin a chapter in your life that you know you need. Because everyones day will come. It's just will you make it happen?

Beauty..

Now it's taken me till now to realize how beautiful nature is.. It's taken me finding a religion, and buying something so well random for me to actually sit back and look at nature as something less blah and something more perfect. Nature brings us beauty in it's most raw and unchanged forms. From caves that have the most impeccable stelagmites and stelagtites. To the rushing waves of a beach to the slow and steady currents of a river. To just the trees and bushes surrounding our houses. It's something we miss and often forget.. And it's the one thing we never look to.

Now it's taken me finding Buddhism and getting a longboard to truly see how beautiful nature truly is.. It's made me sit back and think about how beautiful things really are even in the worst of situations. Like I don't have a running car, or a lot of money well to be honest I have no money.. But it's one thing to just sit there and enjoy the simple things. The wind blowing, the lightning or thunder, or even the trickle of rain or even the harsh sun. We always forget about how much nature effects how we are. I'd say we all almost need to drop technology and just go out and see what life is like without it.. To me it's beautiful. It brings me so much peace knowing that I don't have to check my phone for texts ( though I never get any) or look for any type of thing online or anything like that.. I can simply just sit back and see life in a new light. 

And I mean my life right now isn't where I'd want it to be. But I know it's just temporary. And soon enough I will find my place in life. But for now I will just sit back maybe take my longboard out for a nice little skate and just enjoy the lovely things that nature has given us and just breathe..

Peace&Love
-Jared

Not sure anymore...

It feels like I just find myself. And then I start to question what are my life goals, who I am, and what my belief system was..

But you know what? It's the spice of life. It's all those worries and uncertainties that makes life so special. And it's going to be a life journey to find myself. And to find where I want to go... 

But it will take patience. And I know that. But it's going to be fun and well worth it in the end. And it's going to be something to tell people about while going through it all.. 

I mean at first it was kind of a weird experience that feeling of just losing everything within myself. But I will start to piece it back together one by one. And hopefully I will lead a positive and healthy life. Because I know it's up to me to figure everything out. But it's knowing that fact that it kind of makes it exciting. It makes me look forward to the rest of my life.

And I know I talk about how girls here are stupid and all. But it's just me venting out anger and frustration. Because I feel lonely. And it's sad when I sit back and realize that I say those things though they are somewhat true. But it's more of my own fault. It's not like i'm getting out and meeting new people. Which is hard.. But I guess all I could say is Sorry to those few Women in SV that are actually worth the time to date. And i'm sorry for I guess being an Ass Hat.

And at the same time i've started to meditate. And at the end of it all I find myself at peace. Almost at a happy state. Simply because I clear my mind of all the "Drama" and the "Bullshit" of life. And it's made me look at things in a different light. And at the same time it's helped me realize who is truly there for me in life. And that is Family. Seriously big thanks to "My Nigga Sister" Ashley. And my Parents for making me who I am. And my Grandparents for always having my back and supporting me. Because I realized that they are more important then the world to me. And that is truly all I need in life.

And to all the people out there who actually read these. Thank you for taking the time out to actually sit down and read these. I hope they weren't repetitive with the whole "Girls BLAH BLAH" Stuff.. And I hope I have maybe actually helped someone out there. And to those who have been my almost second family this past couple of months thanks. You all have shown me a side of life i've actually began to like and now I miss. But I know sometime soon we will be back to it sometime in the future.

But seriously Thanks to all those who read these. I hope you enjoyed it.

Peace&Love

-Jared

Have things changed?

Have things from the early 90's where people were scared to go out. Simply because they thought they'd die. They thought the cops would come and arrest them. Where people were killing each other. Instead of being connected as One. 

What has happened to One Love? Where people put down their differences and come together as one. And unite no matter the race. Where there is no blood shed. It's all simply Love. Love and respect for every single person no matter what they do in life, or who they are as a person. Where has that gone?

I've been thinking about it and it seems that things haven't changed at all. We have been fighting and struggling for change, yet it seems to never come.. Is it because we all as a nation are not voting? Or is it because we are stuck in a nation where things will never change. Even though we had our first black president.. It's a mind blowing thing to sit back and look at how life was back in the early 90's where Race made you who you are. And coming to now in the present and still seeing some differences..

I don't know if it is me, but what's the point of trying to show other people love when in return they don't show anything.. They won't hit me up to hang.. I have to be that person to initiate things. What's wrong with that? Where is the love when I PERSONALLY have to try to iniate things..? Maybe i'm just taking things wrong and i am just being Anti-Social.. But where is the love when it feels like I have to initiate things, where I have to keep up to date and know what's going down and what's good?

It's killing me as I sit at home thinking of all that I had to where I am. But then realizing it's made me a better person to be away from it all. Away from all that Drama, and almost consistant thing.. I've come to a peace that almost makes me sad.. I am alone. But you know what it's sad to say it's almost better to be alone then with those I had the most respect and love for.. Because in the end I might not be 100% happy, or feel 100% up to things.. But I know what I am, and I know where I can go in life..

And it's sad to sit back and look at how Love and Respect get's lost so fast. Because of some stupid and nonsesical things.. What's the point of being on Top and being "THE SHIT" when in reality you aren't happy.. What's the point in believing in something when you will never be happy even believing in that.. You can complain so much about things, yet say things are great. How is that? How are you so happy yet in such a hell?

It seems like things no matter the Era or timeline they never change. It's up to US as ONE  notice how I say that ONE to rise and combat those things that drive us to sadness and anger. We all as a ONE have to make things change.. It's something easier said then done, but I know it can be done.. So stop all this stupid violence.. Stop the Drama.. Stop the Hate... Stop the Anger..

And realize that We all as ONE NEED to come together. And we NEED to end all the hate and disdan.. We need to rise up and focus on our futures and how things will be for our children.. We need to join eachothers triumphs and downfalls.. We need to be ONE before we can even think of change.. And to be honest i've been thinking about those things for what seems like years... And what's sad is nothing is being done.. Whether it be the governments fault or our own. 

We need to open our eyes and look at ourselves. What are you? Who are you? What makes you who you are? Why do you do the things that you do? What would make your present or future better? What will make you happy? What will drive you insane? What will make you find peace? What will make you change? What has made you think the way you think? Was it your own personal thought? Or was it someone elses? 

You have to open up your own mind before you can try to change and hate others.. If you can't open up your own mind then what are you? What makes you worth anything? Why should we even look or think about you?

Do you see what I am saying? Things don't start from just anywhere.. YOU HAVE TO START THE CHANGE WITHIN YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SAY OR DO ANYTHING.

(And to those who are wondering I just watch a Documentary on Tupac (2Pac) and it made me think about these things.. As they said Tupac was a " Bad man" but in reality he was speaking of what was going on around him.. And all the things that were wrong with this nation.. And what needs to be fixed.. And he said something in a interview he was on he said something to the lines of " The poor and the rich should switch places to see what it's like in each others shoes.. Even if it were just for a week..." Things like that would open up peoples eyes to what is wrong.. And what is truly right..

So please take these things into your life and realize you could have it easy or you could have it hard.. But it's life and if you have it easy you won't be near as strong and wise as those who had it hard..

Peace&Love

-Jared

Have things changed?

Have things from the early 90's where people were scared to go out. Simply because they thought they'd die. They thought the cops would come and arrest them. Where people were killing each other. Instead of being connected as One. 

What has happened to One Love? Where people put down their differences and come together as one. And unite no matter the race. Where there is no blood shed. It's all simply Love. Love and respect for every single person no matter what they do in life, or who they are as a person. Where has that gone?

I've been thinking about it and it seems that things haven't changed at all. We have been fighting and struggling for change, yet it seems to never come.. Is it because we all as a nation are not voting? Or is it because we are stuck in a nation where things will never change. Even though we had our first black president.. It's a mind blowing thing to sit back and look at how life was back in the early 90's where Race made you who you are. And coming to now in the present and still seeing some differences..

I don't know if it is me, but what's the point of trying to show other people love when in return they don't show anything.. They won't hit me up to hang.. I have to be that person to initiate things. What's wrong with that? Where is the love when I PERSONALLY have to try to iniate things..? Maybe i'm just taking things wrong and i am just being Anti-Social.. But where is the love when it feels like I have to initiate things, where I have to keep up to date and know what's going down and what's good?

It's killing me as I sit at home thinking of all that I had to where I am. But then realizing it's made me a better person to be away from it all. Away from all that Drama, and almost consistant thing.. I've come to a peace that almost makes me sad.. I am alone. But you know what it's sad to say it's almost better to be alone then with those I had the most respect and love for.. Because in the end I might not be 100% happy, or feel 100% up to things.. But I know what I am, and I know where I can go in life..

And it's sad to sit back and look at how Love and Respect get's lost so fast. Because of some stupid and nonsesical things.. What's the point of being on Top and being "THE SHIT" when in reality you aren't happy.. What's the point in believing in something when you will never be happy even believing in that.. You can complain so much about things, yet say things are great. How is that? How are you so happy yet in such a hell?

It seems like things no matter the Era or timeline they never change. It's up to US as ONE  notice how I say that ONE to rise and combat those things that drive us to sadness and anger. We all as a ONE have to make things change.. It's something easier said then done, but I know it can be done.. So stop all this stupid violence.. Stop the Drama.. Stop the Hate... Stop the Anger..

And realize that We all as ONE NEED to come together. And we NEED to end all the hate and disdan.. We need to rise up and focus on our futures and how things will be for our children.. We need to join eachothers triumphs and downfalls.. We need to be ONE before we can even think of change.. And to be honest i've been thinking about those things for what seems like years... And what's sad is nothing is being done.. Whether it be the governments fault or our own. 

We need to open our eyes and look at ourselves. What are you? Who are you? What makes you who you are? Why do you do the things that you do? What would make your present or future better? What will make you happy? What will drive you insane? What will make you find peace? What will make you change? What has made you think the way you think? Was it your own personal thought? Or was it someone elses? 

You have to open up your own mind before you can try to change and hate others.. If you can't open up your own mind then what are you? What makes you worth anything? Why should we even look or think about you?

Do you see what I am saying? Things don't start from just anywhere.. YOU HAVE TO START THE CHANGE WITHIN YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SAY OR DO ANYTHING.

(And to those who are wondering I just watch a Documentary on Tupac (2Pac) and it made me think about these things.. As they said Tupac was a " Bad man" but in reality he was speaking of what was going on around him.. And all the things that were wrong with this nation.. And what needs to be fixed.. And he said something in a interview he was on he said something to the lines of " The poor and the rich should switch places to see what it's like in each others shoes.. Even if it were just for a week..." Things like that would open up peoples eyes to what is wrong.. And what is truly right..

So please take these things into your life and realize you could have it easy or you could have it hard.. But it's life and if you have it easy you won't be near as strong and wise as those who had it hard..

Peace&Love

-Jared

I wish I wish upon a Star..

I wish that i could have someone to hold, to be with every minute of the day.. To stare deeply into their eyes.. For someone to love.. Even for someone else to talk to.. To have Deep meaningful conversations with.. Someone to just hold hands with.. 

But it seems like that is just a fantasy.. No matter how much i could try.. It will never happen.. Simply because of how i look, or how i am as a person.. And i've grown to literally wait to sleep to dream.. To dream about the life i wish i could have.. To dream about the girl i wish i could have.. Because in reality everything is just that.. A Dream.. And it seems like no matter what it will stay that way.. And i know i have a "LIFETIME" ahead of me.. But who is to say i have a lifetime? Who is to say that having all the patience in the world could help me? Who is to say that it's better to not have a special someone?

It's something i've lived with for so long.. But i still want to be with someone now. Not later.. Even if it was just a Thing and nothing more.. Having someone to talk to.. To hangout with everyday... To enjoy the little things with.. It's something i've dreamed of for so long.. And have yet to actually see in my life.. And it kills me to see those around me get to enjoy and have those moments.. While i get to sit in the dark and think.. And i know i should be happy and i am.. But sitting there and everyone talking about how happy they are.. Or how many stories they have..

I don't have those moments.. And it gets tiresome to hear them.. I mean as i said i am happy for you, trust me.. But to hear about how happy you are to have a girl, and how you enjoy hanging with them and all doesn't really help me... It makes me feel more alone then ever.. It makes me personally feel like shit though it shouldn't.. I mean it makes me feel alone.. It makes me feel like i have nothing in my life.. It makes me feel like a no one.. Almost like i am not even there.. I mean it almost makes me seem like i am jelly.. But it's almost like you kind of rub it in even if you don't mean to..

So as i said.. I'm happy for you.. But at the same time it makes me want to have a girl to hold hands with.. It makes me wish i had someone.. It feels like no matter what i say, or do girls never truly see me for me. Wait.. Well they do.. But they can't get past my appearance.. So once again i will tell you all who i am deep down..

ME: I am a hopeless romantic.. I love having deep meaningful conversations.. I love having that connection with people that makes me feel accepted.. I love Tattoos and Piercings.. I love being myself.. I love Genuine Smiles.. I love PEACE.. I love music.. I love being Diabetic.. I love being Unique.. I love my Beard.. I love relaxing.. I love hanging with friends.. I love laying in bed wether i be watching tv or just doing nothing.. I love having a good laugh.. I love being around fun and interesting people.. I love hearing peoples life stories.. I love the human mind...

I also wish people could stop talking about the military.. Though i get it is a great way of getting away and getting great benefits and such.. It's just a simple fact that i was REALLY planning of joining.. BUT i cannot join anymore.. Simply because of me being Diabetic.. And hearing about it constantly makes me sorry to say HATE the whole conversation.. Yes i do understand it is a GREAT option.. But since i can't go in.. I don't like talking about it.. It is a sore subject for me.. It's almost like if we were to talk about YOUR Ex.. You feel me?

(This is the part where i wish i had a bunch of stuff :))

I wish i was Skinny.. 

I wish i had a nicer car..

I wish i had a Girl..

I wish i was more out going..

I wish i was more adventurous..

I wish people could ACTUALLY see Me for ME...

I wish people would stop judging me...

I wish people would stop using me... ( for my thoughts..)

I wish i could wake up to a beautiful face every morning..

I wish that my life could have ZERO stress and ZERO Drama..

I wish that i could just be someone else...

I wish that my life would be like how i see it when i am dreaming..

As you can see i have a bunch of dumb wishes.. But i guess i could say they are just that.. WISHES... And it seems like i can try to make others believe.. And feel great.. But in the end i can't even make myself 100% mentally.. I can have my moments of 100% mental.. But in the end.. I can never be 100%.. Simply because of my goals not being met.. And because of certain things being on my mind.. I just wish upon a star that i could finally find someone... And soon.. And finally reach a certain happiness in my life.. Even if it was just for a day.. or even a week..Or shit even for the rest of my life..

I know it sounds cheesy to say that.. But it's true.. When you have someone in your life that is it has that certain relationship meaning to it.. It makes your life seem better.. Or i should say more Bearable.. To an almost more meaningful life... I feel like if i were to somehow get into a relationship with someone that i could maybe finally move on in life and grow.. Grow more than i have already in life.. And become more at peace with myself then i have already..

I hate my low self-esteem.. I hate how i cannot for the life of me actually ask a girl out.. I do know that after some time things will work themselves out.. But it's like i cannot wait.. I need it now more then ever.. But fuck my life it probably never will.. Oh well.. On with life i suppose right? :\

The Prayer....

I’ve had times where i’ve thought that maybe i was brought here for a reason.. But then i look at all the hate, the using, the drama… And i realize why the fuck am i around this stuff? Why do we constantly do these things? At times i feel like all i have is my Words.. Nothing more, Nothing Less.. Just Words… And i get used for Those Words constantly.. I guess one could say i’ve grown tired of my life being about me trying to be there for everyone, to help them get through their problems only to get those problems thrown back in my face..

(EXAMPLE) “This guy is a D-Bag i hate him blah blah.. for once in my life i wish i could find someone who cares about ME.. And Wants to be there for ME..” Then i say, ” Yeah it does suck to be used but use it as a learning experience. You are strong and will do many great things in this life.. Trust me.” Then ” Awe thanks, you know i wish i could date a guy like you.” Me Thinking ” Well i am here.. I am single.. I am always there for you… Yet you don’t see me.. STILL…”

Seriously it even goes like this.. ” Yeah i don’t like people based on looks..” Yet you go for the guy who is hot.. And has a nice car.. And he maybe even think somewhat like i do.. It’s bull shit.. IF YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THOSE THINGS THEN WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM EVEN LOOKING AT ME IN A RELATIONSHIP MINDSET? I might not have a “HOT” Body.. Or a HELLA nice car.. But i have been there through your worst times.. I have seen things many people would NEVER see in their lives.. And i have a disease most will never get. I have Grown up in life, because i HAD to. While it seems like everyone around me is almost the same..

I’m also tired as all hell of being a fucking middle man.. By Middle Man i mean the guy you tell everything to. The guy that has no stress or drama until you drop the giant dump of a problem on me. I’m the guy you come to to tell the simplest or even the most insane confusing drama ever.. I’m also the guy that drags peoples asses out of their “Hell Hole”. Which is bull shit..  Now don’t get me wrong. I love hearing about your problems, and i love talking about life.. But being the guy that you literally bring the drama and all the unnecessary bull shit into my life is just enough.. I’M DONE WITH IT.

Now i feel sometimes that my words are all people care about from me. They love to hear my thoughts.. But they don’t actually seem to care about me.. And it makes me think of what will happen when i die? Will people remember me for what i wrote? Or will they remember me for who i was? Or would people even give a shit about me if i was to die? Or if i was on my death bed.. Would people care? Like it amazes me how people say they care about me, but it seems like they could give a shit less about me.. Because all they seem to care about is what i write..

I’ve seen for to long people say “Why do guys turn into ass holes out of no where? Or why do they blow me off like i am nothing? Or why does it seem like all guys are D-Bags?” You want the real answer? It’s because of people like YOU. People who basically say “Fuck You, you are not hot.” You wonder why the nice guys change? It’s because they change because they’ve been told that they are to nice for them.. Or don’t deserve you.. Look at me, i am in no means hot. But when i try my damn near hardest to get into a relationship i get shot down countless times. Why? Because i am not “Hot” i do not own a sexy ass car.. 

I’m sorry that i am a THINKER. I’m sorry that everything i own in my life is in my mind. All the heartbreaks.. All the sadness, anger, joy, triumphs. ALL of my ” worthless belongings” are all in my mind. They are EVERY SINGLE fucking thing i have grown and lived with in my life. They are what make me ME, NOT SOME “HOT” BODY OR A FLASHY CAR. ME I AM WHAT MAKES ME ME. And i’m tired of being told me “Be ME” and Girls will follow.. I FUCKING AM ME AND I KNOW I AM SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ME BEING ME. I have been there when i was down, I have been there when i was at my greatest.. Who are you to tell me to be me?

I’m so sorry that my not so hot body is the reason why you won’t actually date someone like me.. Seriously get off that high ass horse you sit on and LOOK AT ME.  LOOK AT MY LIFE, LOOK AT WHERE I WAS AND WHERE I AM. THEN judge me based off of that. Because 9/10 i will always win the “Who is better” event. Because my life has never been easy. I’ve never been handed shit. I got my Car, I got my Phones, I got my Tv. I’ve bought EVERY Thing i own. So before you sit there and think, “Oh this guy is hella nice.. but man.. i wish he was more hot..” Think about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING I’VE SAID…

I mean at times it seems like i’d be easier to literally just let “God” Take me. Because all of the bull shit and everything i’ve seen or see daily just drives me nuts. (( I’m not going to kill myself…)) But you hear me? It’s like what’s the point of even saying you don’t do this or that.. Yet you do it daily. So please Stop all the random bull shit.. Stop the Drama. Stop the using.. Stop the judgement.. Stop everything.. Be YOURSELF, BE HAPPY and BELIEVE. Because i’ve started doing all of these yet it feels like i never did.. All the non-stop crap.. Just END IT.

Not sure where i'm going with this one..

This is going to be a SHIT ton of stuff i just randomly think of.. And end up writing about..

Now why do we say we are never good enough? We say it because we either A.) say it to get others to stop thinking about us and move on. Or B.) because we think low of ourselves. We often think so low of ourselves because of troubling times. We somewhat lose ourselves due to ourselves.. (if that makes sense) We become something we don't like to see.. Wether it be a Pessimist, or a Drunken Ignorant Kid.. When hit with a troubling issue we become the opposite of what we stand for or even what we see in people..

Why do we always have to hurt others? Because we are hurt ourselves.. We are sad with what we have, We cannot stand what we live for.. We think our life is hell so we make others feel that hell.. We cannot stand being alone in life.. So we make DAMN SURE that others feel the exact same way.. Which is quite stupid.. But it happens.. And we can either learn from the hurt or fall into it and burn...

Why do we become addicted? We become addicted to things to escape our lives.. Whether it be a Stressful life, or even a Hell hole.. We only want to escape our lives because they have become so overwhelming.. That we have to find some way of getting away from it all, it could be drinking.. going to the gym.. smoking.. or even doing some hardcore drugs.. But in the end we are all fragile.. And trying to escape reality is nothing to joke about.. But at the same time it feels so good, no stress, no drama... Just enjoying life..

What do we Deserve? We all deserve as humans to be treated as well Humans. We deserve to be accepted by peers. That no matter what issues, flaws, or mistakes we only want to be accepted. And when we don't get accepted we fall into a deep depression.. We then TRY our damn near hardest to become something we never were.. So remember this.. We try our whole life to be Accepted, to be wanted.. To feel that special thing we sometimes call Love.. All we want is someone to be there for us in our time of need.. So please don't say you "Deserve" better.. Because who is to say i don't deserve something like you?

Why are we always downing ourselves? It's because of like what i said our longing to be accepted.. When that misfires.. We down ourselves. We cannot think of ourselves as one to be looked at by the opposite sex.. We constantly think of ourselves as "Ugly" or "A Waste Of Space" Which doesn't help at all...

ME... I've grown tired of being told, "You have a life time ahead of you etc etc etc..." I get it.. I have maybe 50+? years ahead of me.. But what if i am tired of waiting for my god damn lottery ticket..? What if i just want the million dollar woman now? What if i am tired of the constant feeling of being alone? What if i don't have the patience anymore? What if i have grown to accept the knowledge of possibly being alone for a long time? What if i never get another chance?.. Now this town is boring.. And since it is boring i have picked up some things to do.. And it helps me forget about shit.. But what if i wanted someone to talk to..? To take the free time i have and make it count...

What if all i wanted in life right now is to just have someone next to me? Yes i know "RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!!" Blah Blah.. But to be honest i just want to have a GIRL that i can CHILL with all alone just me and her, no drama, no friends, Just me and a Girl.. Getting to know each other.. Maybe holding hands while walking.. Maybe even giving her a kiss on the cheek.. Taking her out to dinner and a movie.. Just enjoying the presence of a WOMAN.. I mean at times i sit there and think about what i am missing out on.. The simplest fucking thing in the world.. That attraction.. That feeling of acceptance.. I understand having friends.. But what if i didn't want more friends...? What if i actually only wanted to have a Girlfriend? What if i just want to feel "Loved"..?

I feel like whenever i hear repeats of something i slightly lose whatever that is.. Like, " Hey you have a lifetime ahead of you..." or "You are a Great Guy"... or "Why can't all guys be like you?" or "Your writing is GREAT".. or "You are so inspirational!".. Every time i hear those answers i feel like they have no meaning anymore.. I hear it so much it's repetitive.. And it seems Meaningless.. What if i don't have a Life time? What if i was to die in a week?... What if i am not a "Great Guy"..? Or What if i am who i am.. And YOU are just blind..? What if i think what i write is complete crap because ANYONE can do it...? What if i am not inspirational... And in fact You are?

It seems like for a Life time i've always wanted to feel accepted.. Or wanted or even thought of.. But when it happens sometimes i just think, " why the fuck did i do this...? It's like what's the fucking point? I'm just going to be let down again... And later never remembered again..."

Because if you knew i was dying would it change you? Would it make you change your views on me? on life? on reality as we know it? Most likely it wouldn't.. As most people could give a shit less of what happens in another mans life.. But if i heard any of my friends were in trouble.. in a jam.. or just sad.. I'd be there and i always have now that i think about it.. I'm tired of being the Care guy.. I'm fucking tired of caring so much about friends... I feel at times like I PERSONALLY have to be the one to say something.. Fuck i don't know where this paragraph is going... But seriously.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THIS SHIT!?!?!?!

Nice guys always wins my ass.. After all the sorrow.. Heart break.. and misery.. THEN we win.. Because then others see us... It's fucking bull shit... and my mind is just losing the thought process... so.. here i will end it...

Yet again i will say this.. If you disliked anything i've said please excuse me.. Please don't be like " SUICIDE WATCH FOR JARED" Because to be honest I'm tired of the " I'm sorry you feel that way jared.. maybe you should... etc etc" The guilt trip stuff basically is what i am tired of.. WRITE ME AN HONEST COMMENT... Tell me i am crazy.. or i am right.. i don't care anymore...

I'm Tired....Stupid Sh@#...(RANTRANTRANT)

I'm tired of the constant judgement.. I'm tired of this feeling of being alone.. I'm tired of seeing how many people are DOUCHE Bags... I'm tired of getting told how to live my life.. I'm tired of waking up and realizing that my thoughts are the only constant form or reassurance... I'm tired of never being normal again... I'm so fucking tired of hearing about bull shit issues.. I'm tired of being used for being me.. I'm more tired now that it's slowly starting to take away my Belief in myself..  I'm so tired of seeing people getting what they want.. I'm tired of feeling an empty part of your body is there... I'm tired of religion.. I'm tired of Politics...I'm tired of waiting for my night to come around so i can feel normal.. I'm tired of being so "Nice".. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "You could be different...".. I'm tired of people talking about how they could "get out" of SV... I'm tired of fucking cellphones.. I'm tired of this life i see in front of me... I'm growing so tired of all of these things that i will sooner or later get tired of being me... And i will snap... And be who i most despise.. And no one could even think of stopping me... 

I do what i want to and in MY LIFE, i don't give a shit about what you do with yours... Wether it be you bitching about the smallest things or going on a vacation... I'm sorry that your life is "Hard"... Motha FUNKA i got Diabetes.. I can't be all happy go lucky with my life as i used to in the past.. My life is full of numbers.. Equations.. And repetitive things that would drive any man mad.. But you know what... NO.. I won't talk about myself.. Let me hear YOUR problems, YOUR DRAMA, YOUR LIFE, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR BULLSHIT... Since i guess YOUR life is more important then mine, or shit ANY other person in this world.. Since the WHOLE world rests on YOUR shoulders... Give me a FUCKING BREAK...

And i hate the feeling of having someone get you... then they trick the shit out of you.. I am one who loves being noticed.. But i am a shy guy at first.. But when someone even talks to me that is a girl after 30 mins of talking to you i'm going to think you dig me.. THEN i will just fold in my cards and realize i was WAY wrong in even thinking i could get with you... "What was i thinking...? I could never get a girl like that...." It's all that goes through my mind...

I feel like i work hard at life.. I might not go to church but i'm a good human.. I try to do right.. And be nice.. But when i get shit on almost 24/7 for living my life, how does that make anyone feel? It's fucking stupid to be sitting there trying to live your life when someone is constantly saying you FUCKED UP or YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! Shit a fucking BRICK it's MY LIFE. IF I WANT TO DO DRUGS I WILL, IF I WANT TO DRINK I WILL, IF I WANT TO BE A DOUCHE BAG I WILL BE.

Doing something shouldn't make you an outcast, or shunned.. I fucking hate the feeling of being CONSTANTLY judged by people who have NO understanding of why i do what i do.. I do what i do because i want to get away from my fucked up life.. I get away from Diabetes even for a bit.. I can feel great about my life.. I can think only great positive thoughts.. And i can relax and enjoy EVERY little thing life has to give.. But to you i look like a Freak, an Addict.. The anti-christ.. Or even a lazy fuck hole of a friend...

But let me say this, When i do what i do i become a better person. I think about every detail in life. I become more aware of my surroundings.. I enjoy things.. I forget about house drama, My life right now, ANYTHING in life.. (stress etc etc) And i sit back and think, " Why are we here on earth? Why do we judge? Why do we not care...?" But when i'm back in reality all i can think about is "Did that person make fun of me? What is wrong now? What happened to you? Why is your day shitty?"

I'm also tired of being the first to do anything.. I'm usually the one to hit friends up to hang out.. or Chill. It's fine if you are tired and want to sleep.. But hanging out with other people or me even having to contact you first... It gets annoying.. I'm tired of being the one to force the friendship at times.. It's almost like i should just go off the grid and just stop talking in all.. And i love hanging out with you.. Straight up.. I just don't like it.. :\

I might not be "HOT".. But i have a MIND millions would love to have.. And a Heart most would never see.. It's amazing to me how people say "You're a great guy...Blah Blah..." But they actually mean to say " I don't find you attractive..." If i am such a great guy then why aren't we dating? Why am i constantly being thrown back into the closest? It's fucking repetitive.. It's because, though you may say you don't care about looks.. You truly do.. And you know it... You just say shit like this to make people like ME feel better.. You give us a sense of "pride" or "existence".. Next time just say, " Hey your words got me thinking.. And if only you were "Hot" then we could date or have some form of relationship.. BUT because you look just bleh.. So.. I will go out with the "Hot" guy just so i can get used again and then come back to you... THEN i will just rinse and Repeat... But yeah sorry you are just a great guy.. And you will find a girl sometime... (thinks in mind: PEACE HOMIE)" 

I'm seriously tired of the "Hot" or "Social structure Bull Shi-" Just look at me for who i am and what i am and say Yes or No. Stop with the mind games, the endless bull shit.. or even the dumb sayings.. I know who i am, and what i bring to the table in a relationship.. I've lived my life for 19 years.. through thick and thin i was the only one there... So i KNOW my Life... So tell me something i don't know? Tell me why i am constantly judged, Consistently ignored in the love life, And more importantly Caring so much about other people and their problems? Or shit better yet Tell me why your so "Perfect" and yet you feel like complete shit day in and day out... Seriously..

Get off your "High" horse bull shit.. Because funny fact, We are all the same.. But there is one thing you can't beat me at.. It's called growing up after my mistakes, learning my way through life.. And seeing things most people never see.. Because to be honest i've got more out of my life though i might not be perfect then you have or ever will... So if you want to actually find a NICE Guy NOT a "Nice" Guy.. Then HERE I FUCKING AM... Come get a look at what a REAL NICE GUY looks like.. Soak in it's sun.. Because Guess what i KNOW i'm a Good Guy.. But since i'm not "Hot" You missed me 9/10 times... Seriously... I'm tired of the bull shit...

Well i can think of much more.. but don't feel like writing it down.. If you read this i hoped you liked it.. If you hate me so be it.. I only say i'm sorry if i offended you.. But i'm seriously tired of all the B.S.

Peace&Love

-Jared

Stars and the Universe

Now when (most) people think of Stars, they think of Charlie Sheen or any other failure of a life that gets paid millions upon millions of dollars.. But have you ever just looked up at the sky and said, " Man, there are billions of stars out there... And we maybe look like just another star to someone else far out there in the universe.." It just makes me think about how small we are. (Small in every way..) All of our problems, our triumphs, out strengths and our weaknesses. We are all but an atom in what this universe contains. And our problems are but a smaller molecule of that.. And On and On.. And it's funny how we sometimes feel like our problems are bigger then the world.. But in reality they are but as i said nothing but a small molecule..

Now to me the stars are beautiful. They show something that has traveled millions upon millions of light years just to give us the faint light in the sky. And to me it shows how even in the darkest of times some form of light can always be seen. Wether it be from the sky, or from ones own heart. Some form of light will always be present. And it's an on going fact in ones life. (i guess to me at least) That stars show an on going presence in life. Because it shows that light though it may have died years and years ago still shines until the very end.. And it shines just enough so those who want to see it can.

Now the universe is infinite. It's an ever growing thing. As it's an ever growing presence. It holds everything we have worked for. It gives us a feeling of not being alone. Because within all of the space it has, there is always going to be some other worldly presence. That when you think about it, it's a scaring fact.. But when you look deep down into it you realize something. The feeling of being alone is scarier then the fact of never being alone again..

And within the universe is us. The Human race. To where we think we know everything when in fact we know nothing. Though we may try to learn all that we can. We will truly never know the meanings of most important things. We have destroyed, we have built, we have grown, we have died. We all as humans have never truly stuck side by side and fought for each other. We may think we have but in fact we have not. But it's an ever growing phase that we all as humans want to save each other and help those in need..

What we all need to realize is that all of our "Huge" problems are nothing but a small molecule to the whole universe. We always think we have lost it all, but think about it. There is an Entire Universe out there, waiting for you to take it by the horns and discover things you have never thought you'd see or do. And it's up to all of us to take that with a wondering interest. Will you be the explorer and try to discover what makes this universe go? Or will you be the person watching on T.V. ?

Just remember, life is full of let downs, sadness, anger; to Triumphs, joy, greatness. Or even the missed shots, and disheartening rejections.. But it's how you react to every single thing life throws at you that makes you, well YOU. And it's also how you learn from those experiences. But in the end it's what you know about yourself that others will never that makes you so unique.. So grow, Grow and become something bigger then the universe. And let who you are speak to millions as that will resonate throughout the universe as many things in life can..

Peace&Love

-Jared

Simple Math (Again with FRESH thoughts)

(THIS IS HOW I SEE THIS SONG... So my Opinion... ;) ALSO sorry for how out of place it is.. My Mind has been working weird lately... )

At first he is just driving. But then he crashes, he goes into a consistant spin. To almost show how life can change at any moment. And in the moment he starts to go into his flashback phase. Because we often remember things from the past when in the moment of death or fear. He sees himself with his father. And he talks about how his father created him. Though his father might have been a hard ass or even just almost never there. And says that everything anyone has told him is a wrong. Or even that his own parents didn’t care to tell him it is wrong or right.

He then runs away and says how he has to come up with a creative excuse.. Though he thought his parents were crazy. And continues to explain how his father was always there. And showed him EVERY thing from hunting to whatever else. But he has always resented it. And how everything he though was right was quite the opposite. And he is saying how he is trying to be different from his father and how people tell him he can’t. (sort of say) Which can be thought of from many different things. Like when someone tells you that you're living your life wrong.

Then it goes to show how his friends have been there through everything with him. Then in the end his dad is sitting next to him and then they are in the truck signifies how the whole time his dad was always there. And it shows that love is always there we just sometimes may never see it. He (andy hull) just never saw that. Until now. And it something we all need to see. Wether it be in ourselves or in others. We all have to see in our own lives that we have that support. Whether friends or family.

Before i just loved this song for the lyrics. Because it some-what spoke to me in a deep sort of a sense. But after they released the actual video for the song it's spoke to me on a whole new field. And it's awesome how songs can do this. It can almost make it seem like you are part of it. Or that part of your life is close to that part of your heart (i guess) to where you would remember that part for the rest of your life. I guess you could say that i have grown to love this song, the band, the lyrics. And that it has helped me see some parts in my life i have thought of as a sad or even angering for the fact of what has happened.

I've grown to love my life. Regardless of what happens. This song has helped me see what some of my own faults are. My weaknesses. And even my strengths and my own goals in life. I might just be tooting my own horn. But damn does this song make me feel good..

(I'm sorry if what i've wrote is just all over the place.. my mind is just jumping from thought to thought lately... But this song has been the constant in my days...)

Peace&Love

-Jared

Dreams...

Now i like many others have had many dreams. Some scare the shit out of me, others make me laugh. But most recently i had a dream that made me wake up and just wonder about my life. It somewhat made me rethink some of my life. Some of the people i have met. And my whole 18 years of my life so far.

The Dream...

So i fell asleep like any other night. But the dream that comes to me is like no other. Now the person in this dream i have only seen in school, and this person came with me and some friends to Tuson. I have never known this person before. But this person just walked up to me in my dream and said to me, “ i will be with you..” As they just stared into my eyes, all i could do is hug the person. Now to me that fact of hearing, “I will be with you..” Made me wake up. And almost start to cry. And then i sat there in my bed thinking about my life as it is.

It is always so weird to hear someone say that to me. They would want to be with me. My whole life i’ve been used to the rejection. But this instance, this RANDOM person that i don’t really know wants to be with me. Not someone else. ME. Now i didn’t know what to do about this. I just sat there and was thinking about how long i would be alone before i met that one person for me.

Yet something else ran through my mind after hearing that. I never will be alone. It might take time, But i will NEVER be alone. And just hearing that in my head made me feel good.

The Other Side...

Now this is something i’ve been falling asleep to for years. After countless years of only having a bed big enough for me, having one that can fit two people is just a way of showing how lonely i am. I often go to sleep and look at the other side i just say to myself, “ God.. I wish someone was right there.. that’d be nice..” then fall asleep. But waking up is the worst. After a dream, just looking to that other side is almost like a hell to me.

It always makes me feel alone, and i do hate that feeling. But after that dream i sometimes almost see a girl sitting there looking at me and it makes me realize that i’m not alone. That girl i’ve been looking for will be there next to me one day. And i swear to GOD i will make sure she stays there by my side for the rest of my life. Because anyone who likes me, i will always love.. And i know i will find her one day.. Ahah.. One Day...

P.S.- Please realize this, You are never truly alone. There is always someone there for you. It will take time, But there is someone for you..

-Jared