Monday, May 23, 2011
I wish that i could have someone to hold, to be with every minute of the day.. To stare deeply into their eyes.. For someone to love.. Even for someone else to talk to.. To have Deep meaningful conversations with.. Someone to just hold hands with..
But it seems like that is just a fantasy.. No matter how much i could try.. It will never happen.. Simply because of how i look, or how i am as a person.. And i've grown to literally wait to sleep to dream.. To dream about the life i wish i could have.. To dream about the girl i wish i could have.. Because in reality everything is just that.. A Dream.. And it seems like no matter what it will stay that way.. And i know i have a "LIFETIME" ahead of me.. But who is to say i have a lifetime? Who is to say that having all the patience in the world could help me? Who is to say that it's better to not have a special someone?
It's something i've lived with for so long.. But i still want to be with someone now. Not later.. Even if it was just a Thing and nothing more.. Having someone to talk to.. To hangout with everyday... To enjoy the little things with.. It's something i've dreamed of for so long.. And have yet to actually see in my life.. And it kills me to see those around me get to enjoy and have those moments.. While i get to sit in the dark and think.. And i know i should be happy and i am.. But sitting there and everyone talking about how happy they are.. Or how many stories they have..
I don't have those moments.. And it gets tiresome to hear them.. I mean as i said i am happy for you, trust me.. But to hear about how happy you are to have a girl, and how you enjoy hanging with them and all doesn't really help me... It makes me feel more alone then ever.. It makes me personally feel like shit though it shouldn't.. I mean it makes me feel alone.. It makes me feel like i have nothing in my life.. It makes me feel like a no one.. Almost like i am not even there.. I mean it almost makes me seem like i am jelly.. But it's almost like you kind of rub it in even if you don't mean to..
So as i said.. I'm happy for you.. But at the same time it makes me want to have a girl to hold hands with.. It makes me wish i had someone.. It feels like no matter what i say, or do girls never truly see me for me. Wait.. Well they do.. But they can't get past my appearance.. So once again i will tell you all who i am deep down..
ME: I am a hopeless romantic.. I love having deep meaningful conversations.. I love having that connection with people that makes me feel accepted.. I love Tattoos and Piercings.. I love being myself.. I love Genuine Smiles.. I love PEACE.. I love music.. I love being Diabetic.. I love being Unique.. I love my Beard.. I love relaxing.. I love hanging with friends.. I love laying in bed wether i be watching tv or just doing nothing.. I love having a good laugh.. I love being around fun and interesting people.. I love hearing peoples life stories.. I love the human mind...
I also wish people could stop talking about the military.. Though i get it is a great way of getting away and getting great benefits and such.. It's just a simple fact that i was REALLY planning of joining.. BUT i cannot join anymore.. Simply because of me being Diabetic.. And hearing about it constantly makes me sorry to say HATE the whole conversation.. Yes i do understand it is a GREAT option.. But since i can't go in.. I don't like talking about it.. It is a sore subject for me.. It's almost like if we were to talk about YOUR Ex.. You feel me?
(This is the part where i wish i had a bunch of stuff :))
I wish i was Skinny..
I wish i had a nicer car..
I wish i had a Girl..
I wish i was more out going..
I wish i was more adventurous..
I wish people could ACTUALLY see Me for ME...
I wish people would stop judging me...
I wish people would stop using me... ( for my thoughts..)
I wish i could wake up to a beautiful face every morning..
I wish that my life could have ZERO stress and ZERO Drama..
I wish that i could just be someone else...
I wish that my life would be like how i see it when i am dreaming..
As you can see i have a bunch of dumb wishes.. But i guess i could say they are just that.. WISHES... And it seems like i can try to make others believe.. And feel great.. But in the end i can't even make myself 100% mentally.. I can have my moments of 100% mental.. But in the end.. I can never be 100%.. Simply because of my goals not being met.. And because of certain things being on my mind.. I just wish upon a star that i could finally find someone... And soon.. And finally reach a certain happiness in my life.. Even if it was just for a day.. or even a week..Or shit even for the rest of my life..
I know it sounds cheesy to say that.. But it's true.. When you have someone in your life that is it has that certain relationship meaning to it.. It makes your life seem better.. Or i should say more Bearable.. To an almost more meaningful life... I feel like if i were to somehow get into a relationship with someone that i could maybe finally move on in life and grow.. Grow more than i have already in life.. And become more at peace with myself then i have already..
I hate my low self-esteem.. I hate how i cannot for the life of me actually ask a girl out.. I do know that after some time things will work themselves out.. But it's like i cannot wait.. I need it now more then ever.. But fuck my life it probably never will.. Oh well.. On with life i suppose right? :\
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I’ve had times where i’ve thought that maybe i was brought here for a reason.. But then i look at all the hate, the using, the drama… And i realize why the fuck am i around this stuff? Why do we constantly do these things? At times i feel like all i have is my Words.. Nothing more, Nothing Less.. Just Words… And i get used for Those Words constantly.. I guess one could say i’ve grown tired of my life being about me trying to be there for everyone, to help them get through their problems only to get those problems thrown back in my face..
(EXAMPLE) “This guy is a D-Bag i hate him blah blah.. for once in my life i wish i could find someone who cares about ME.. And Wants to be there for ME..” Then i say, ” Yeah it does suck to be used but use it as a learning experience. You are strong and will do many great things in this life.. Trust me.” Then ” Awe thanks, you know i wish i could date a guy like you.” Me Thinking ” Well i am here.. I am single.. I am always there for you… Yet you don’t see me.. STILL…”
Seriously it even goes like this.. ” Yeah i don’t like people based on looks..” Yet you go for the guy who is hot.. And has a nice car.. And he maybe even think somewhat like i do.. It’s bull shit.. IF YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THOSE THINGS THEN WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM EVEN LOOKING AT ME IN A RELATIONSHIP MINDSET? I might not have a “HOT” Body.. Or a HELLA nice car.. But i have been there through your worst times.. I have seen things many people would NEVER see in their lives.. And i have a disease most will never get. I have Grown up in life, because i HAD to. While it seems like everyone around me is almost the same..
I’m also tired as all hell of being a fucking middle man.. By Middle Man i mean the guy you tell everything to. The guy that has no stress or drama until you drop the giant dump of a problem on me. I’m the guy you come to to tell the simplest or even the most insane confusing drama ever.. I’m also the guy that drags peoples asses out of their “Hell Hole”. Which is bull shit.. Now don’t get me wrong. I love hearing about your problems, and i love talking about life.. But being the guy that you literally bring the drama and all the unnecessary bull shit into my life is just enough.. I’M DONE WITH IT.
Now i feel sometimes that my words are all people care about from me. They love to hear my thoughts.. But they don’t actually seem to care about me.. And it makes me think of what will happen when i die? Will people remember me for what i wrote? Or will they remember me for who i was? Or would people even give a shit about me if i was to die? Or if i was on my death bed.. Would people care? Like it amazes me how people say they care about me, but it seems like they could give a shit less about me.. Because all they seem to care about is what i write..
I’ve seen for to long people say “Why do guys turn into ass holes out of no where? Or why do they blow me off like i am nothing? Or why does it seem like all guys are D-Bags?” You want the real answer? It’s because of people like YOU. People who basically say “Fuck You, you are not hot.” You wonder why the nice guys change? It’s because they change because they’ve been told that they are to nice for them.. Or don’t deserve you.. Look at me, i am in no means hot. But when i try my damn near hardest to get into a relationship i get shot down countless times. Why? Because i am not “Hot” i do not own a sexy ass car..
I’m sorry that i am a THINKER. I’m sorry that everything i own in my life is in my mind. All the heartbreaks.. All the sadness, anger, joy, triumphs. ALL of my ” worthless belongings” are all in my mind. They are EVERY SINGLE fucking thing i have grown and lived with in my life. They are what make me ME, NOT SOME “HOT” BODY OR A FLASHY CAR. ME I AM WHAT MAKES ME ME. And i’m tired of being told me “Be ME” and Girls will follow.. I FUCKING AM ME AND I KNOW I AM SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ME BEING ME. I have been there when i was down, I have been there when i was at my greatest.. Who are you to tell me to be me?
I’m so sorry that my not so hot body is the reason why you won’t actually date someone like me.. Seriously get off that high ass horse you sit on and LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT MY LIFE, LOOK AT WHERE I WAS AND WHERE I AM. THEN judge me based off of that. Because 9/10 i will always win the “Who is better” event. Because my life has never been easy. I’ve never been handed shit. I got my Car, I got my Phones, I got my Tv. I’ve bought EVERY Thing i own. So before you sit there and think, “Oh this guy is hella nice.. but man.. i wish he was more hot..” Think about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING I’VE SAID…
I mean at times it seems like i’d be easier to literally just let “God” Take me. Because all of the bull shit and everything i’ve seen or see daily just drives me nuts. (( I’m not going to kill myself…)) But you hear me? It’s like what’s the point of even saying you don’t do this or that.. Yet you do it daily. So please Stop all the random bull shit.. Stop the Drama. Stop the using.. Stop the judgement.. Stop everything.. Be YOURSELF, BE HAPPY and BELIEVE. Because i’ve started doing all of these yet it feels like i never did.. All the non-stop crap.. Just END IT.
Monday, May 9, 2011
This is going to be a SHIT ton of stuff i just randomly think of.. And end up writing about..
Now why do we say we are never good enough? We say it because we either A.) say it to get others to stop thinking about us and move on. Or B.) because we think low of ourselves. We often think so low of ourselves because of troubling times. We somewhat lose ourselves due to ourselves.. (if that makes sense) We become something we don't like to see.. Wether it be a Pessimist, or a Drunken Ignorant Kid.. When hit with a troubling issue we become the opposite of what we stand for or even what we see in people..
Why do we always have to hurt others? Because we are hurt ourselves.. We are sad with what we have, We cannot stand what we live for.. We think our life is hell so we make others feel that hell.. We cannot stand being alone in life.. So we make DAMN SURE that others feel the exact same way.. Which is quite stupid.. But it happens.. And we can either learn from the hurt or fall into it and burn...
Why do we become addicted? We become addicted to things to escape our lives.. Whether it be a Stressful life, or even a Hell hole.. We only want to escape our lives because they have become so overwhelming.. That we have to find some way of getting away from it all, it could be drinking.. going to the gym.. smoking.. or even doing some hardcore drugs.. But in the end we are all fragile.. And trying to escape reality is nothing to joke about.. But at the same time it feels so good, no stress, no drama... Just enjoying life..
What do we Deserve? We all deserve as humans to be treated as well Humans. We deserve to be accepted by peers. That no matter what issues, flaws, or mistakes we only want to be accepted. And when we don't get accepted we fall into a deep depression.. We then TRY our damn near hardest to become something we never were.. So remember this.. We try our whole life to be Accepted, to be wanted.. To feel that special thing we sometimes call Love.. All we want is someone to be there for us in our time of need.. So please don't say you "Deserve" better.. Because who is to say i don't deserve something like you?
Why are we always downing ourselves? It's because of like what i said our longing to be accepted.. When that misfires.. We down ourselves. We cannot think of ourselves as one to be looked at by the opposite sex.. We constantly think of ourselves as "Ugly" or "A Waste Of Space" Which doesn't help at all...
ME... I've grown tired of being told, "You have a life time ahead of you etc etc etc..." I get it.. I have maybe 50+? years ahead of me.. But what if i am tired of waiting for my god damn lottery ticket..? What if i just want the million dollar woman now? What if i am tired of the constant feeling of being alone? What if i don't have the patience anymore? What if i have grown to accept the knowledge of possibly being alone for a long time? What if i never get another chance?.. Now this town is boring.. And since it is boring i have picked up some things to do.. And it helps me forget about shit.. But what if i wanted someone to talk to..? To take the free time i have and make it count...
What if all i wanted in life right now is to just have someone next to me? Yes i know "RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!!" Blah Blah.. But to be honest i just want to have a GIRL that i can CHILL with all alone just me and her, no drama, no friends, Just me and a Girl.. Getting to know each other.. Maybe holding hands while walking.. Maybe even giving her a kiss on the cheek.. Taking her out to dinner and a movie.. Just enjoying the presence of a WOMAN.. I mean at times i sit there and think about what i am missing out on.. The simplest fucking thing in the world.. That attraction.. That feeling of acceptance.. I understand having friends.. But what if i didn't want more friends...? What if i actually only wanted to have a Girlfriend? What if i just want to feel "Loved"..?
I feel like whenever i hear repeats of something i slightly lose whatever that is.. Like, " Hey you have a lifetime ahead of you..." or "You are a Great Guy"... or "Why can't all guys be like you?" or "Your writing is GREAT".. or "You are so inspirational!".. Every time i hear those answers i feel like they have no meaning anymore.. I hear it so much it's repetitive.. And it seems Meaningless.. What if i don't have a Life time? What if i was to die in a week?... What if i am not a "Great Guy"..? Or What if i am who i am.. And YOU are just blind..? What if i think what i write is complete crap because ANYONE can do it...? What if i am not inspirational... And in fact You are?
It seems like for a Life time i've always wanted to feel accepted.. Or wanted or even thought of.. But when it happens sometimes i just think, " why the fuck did i do this...? It's like what's the fucking point? I'm just going to be let down again... And later never remembered again..."
Because if you knew i was dying would it change you? Would it make you change your views on me? on life? on reality as we know it? Most likely it wouldn't.. As most people could give a shit less of what happens in another mans life.. But if i heard any of my friends were in trouble.. in a jam.. or just sad.. I'd be there and i always have now that i think about it.. I'm tired of being the Care guy.. I'm fucking tired of caring so much about friends... I feel at times like I PERSONALLY have to be the one to say something.. Fuck i don't know where this paragraph is going... But seriously.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THIS SHIT!?!?!?!
Nice guys always wins my ass.. After all the sorrow.. Heart break.. and misery.. THEN we win.. Because then others see us... It's fucking bull shit... and my mind is just losing the thought process... so.. here i will end it...
Yet again i will say this.. If you disliked anything i've said please excuse me.. Please don't be like " SUICIDE WATCH FOR JARED" Because to be honest I'm tired of the " I'm sorry you feel that way jared.. maybe you should... etc etc" The guilt trip stuff basically is what i am tired of.. WRITE ME AN HONEST COMMENT... Tell me i am crazy.. or i am right.. i don't care anymore...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I'm tired of the constant judgement.. I'm tired of this feeling of being alone.. I'm tired of seeing how many people are DOUCHE Bags... I'm tired of getting told how to live my life.. I'm tired of waking up and realizing that my thoughts are the only constant form or reassurance... I'm tired of never being normal again... I'm so fucking tired of hearing about bull shit issues.. I'm tired of being used for being me.. I'm more tired now that it's slowly starting to take away my Belief in myself.. I'm so tired of seeing people getting what they want.. I'm tired of feeling an empty part of your body is there... I'm tired of religion.. I'm tired of Politics...I'm tired of waiting for my night to come around so i can feel normal.. I'm tired of being so "Nice".. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "You could be different...".. I'm tired of people talking about how they could "get out" of SV... I'm tired of fucking cellphones.. I'm tired of this life i see in front of me... I'm growing so tired of all of these things that i will sooner or later get tired of being me... And i will snap... And be who i most despise.. And no one could even think of stopping me...
I do what i want to and in MY LIFE, i don't give a shit about what you do with yours... Wether it be you bitching about the smallest things or going on a vacation... I'm sorry that your life is "Hard"... Motha FUNKA i got Diabetes.. I can't be all happy go lucky with my life as i used to in the past.. My life is full of numbers.. Equations.. And repetitive things that would drive any man mad.. But you know what... NO.. I won't talk about myself.. Let me hear YOUR problems, YOUR DRAMA, YOUR LIFE, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR BULLSHIT... Since i guess YOUR life is more important then mine, or shit ANY other person in this world.. Since the WHOLE world rests on YOUR shoulders... Give me a FUCKING BREAK...
And i hate the feeling of having someone get you... then they trick the shit out of you.. I am one who loves being noticed.. But i am a shy guy at first.. But when someone even talks to me that is a girl after 30 mins of talking to you i'm going to think you dig me.. THEN i will just fold in my cards and realize i was WAY wrong in even thinking i could get with you... "What was i thinking...? I could never get a girl like that...." It's all that goes through my mind...
I feel like i work hard at life.. I might not go to church but i'm a good human.. I try to do right.. And be nice.. But when i get shit on almost 24/7 for living my life, how does that make anyone feel? It's fucking stupid to be sitting there trying to live your life when someone is constantly saying you FUCKED UP or YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! Shit a fucking BRICK it's MY LIFE. IF I WANT TO DO DRUGS I WILL, IF I WANT TO DRINK I WILL, IF I WANT TO BE A DOUCHE BAG I WILL BE.
Doing something shouldn't make you an outcast, or shunned.. I fucking hate the feeling of being CONSTANTLY judged by people who have NO understanding of why i do what i do.. I do what i do because i want to get away from my fucked up life.. I get away from Diabetes even for a bit.. I can feel great about my life.. I can think only great positive thoughts.. And i can relax and enjoy EVERY little thing life has to give.. But to you i look like a Freak, an Addict.. The anti-christ.. Or even a lazy fuck hole of a friend...
But let me say this, When i do what i do i become a better person. I think about every detail in life. I become more aware of my surroundings.. I enjoy things.. I forget about house drama, My life right now, ANYTHING in life.. (stress etc etc) And i sit back and think, " Why are we here on earth? Why do we judge? Why do we not care...?" But when i'm back in reality all i can think about is "Did that person make fun of me? What is wrong now? What happened to you? Why is your day shitty?"
I'm also tired of being the first to do anything.. I'm usually the one to hit friends up to hang out.. or Chill. It's fine if you are tired and want to sleep.. But hanging out with other people or me even having to contact you first... It gets annoying.. I'm tired of being the one to force the friendship at times.. It's almost like i should just go off the grid and just stop talking in all.. And i love hanging out with you.. Straight up.. I just don't like it.. :\
I might not be "HOT".. But i have a MIND millions would love to have.. And a Heart most would never see.. It's amazing to me how people say "You're a great guy...Blah Blah..." But they actually mean to say " I don't find you attractive..." If i am such a great guy then why aren't we dating? Why am i constantly being thrown back into the closest? It's fucking repetitive.. It's because, though you may say you don't care about looks.. You truly do.. And you know it... You just say shit like this to make people like ME feel better.. You give us a sense of "pride" or "existence".. Next time just say, " Hey your words got me thinking.. And if only you were "Hot" then we could date or have some form of relationship.. BUT because you look just bleh.. So.. I will go out with the "Hot" guy just so i can get used again and then come back to you... THEN i will just rinse and Repeat... But yeah sorry you are just a great guy.. And you will find a girl sometime... (thinks in mind: PEACE HOMIE)"
I'm seriously tired of the "Hot" or "Social structure Bull Shi-" Just look at me for who i am and what i am and say Yes or No. Stop with the mind games, the endless bull shit.. or even the dumb sayings.. I know who i am, and what i bring to the table in a relationship.. I've lived my life for 19 years.. through thick and thin i was the only one there... So i KNOW my Life... So tell me something i don't know? Tell me why i am constantly judged, Consistently ignored in the love life, And more importantly Caring so much about other people and their problems? Or shit better yet Tell me why your so "Perfect" and yet you feel like complete shit day in and day out... Seriously..
Get off your "High" horse bull shit.. Because funny fact, We are all the same.. But there is one thing you can't beat me at.. It's called growing up after my mistakes, learning my way through life.. And seeing things most people never see.. Because to be honest i've got more out of my life though i might not be perfect then you have or ever will... So if you want to actually find a NICE Guy NOT a "Nice" Guy.. Then HERE I FUCKING AM... Come get a look at what a REAL NICE GUY looks like.. Soak in it's sun.. Because Guess what i KNOW i'm a Good Guy.. But since i'm not "Hot" You missed me 9/10 times... Seriously... I'm tired of the bull shit...
Well i can think of much more.. but don't feel like writing it down.. If you read this i hoped you liked it.. If you hate me so be it.. I only say i'm sorry if i offended you.. But i'm seriously tired of all the B.S.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Now when (most) people think of Stars, they think of Charlie Sheen or any other failure of a life that gets paid millions upon millions of dollars.. But have you ever just looked up at the sky and said, " Man, there are billions of stars out there... And we maybe look like just another star to someone else far out there in the universe.." It just makes me think about how small we are. (Small in every way..) All of our problems, our triumphs, out strengths and our weaknesses. We are all but an atom in what this universe contains. And our problems are but a smaller molecule of that.. And On and On.. And it's funny how we sometimes feel like our problems are bigger then the world.. But in reality they are but as i said nothing but a small molecule..
Now to me the stars are beautiful. They show something that has traveled millions upon millions of light years just to give us the faint light in the sky. And to me it shows how even in the darkest of times some form of light can always be seen. Wether it be from the sky, or from ones own heart. Some form of light will always be present. And it's an on going fact in ones life. (i guess to me at least) That stars show an on going presence in life. Because it shows that light though it may have died years and years ago still shines until the very end.. And it shines just enough so those who want to see it can.
Now the universe is infinite. It's an ever growing thing. As it's an ever growing presence. It holds everything we have worked for. It gives us a feeling of not being alone. Because within all of the space it has, there is always going to be some other worldly presence. That when you think about it, it's a scaring fact.. But when you look deep down into it you realize something. The feeling of being alone is scarier then the fact of never being alone again..
And within the universe is us. The Human race. To where we think we know everything when in fact we know nothing. Though we may try to learn all that we can. We will truly never know the meanings of most important things. We have destroyed, we have built, we have grown, we have died. We all as humans have never truly stuck side by side and fought for each other. We may think we have but in fact we have not. But it's an ever growing phase that we all as humans want to save each other and help those in need..
What we all need to realize is that all of our "Huge" problems are nothing but a small molecule to the whole universe. We always think we have lost it all, but think about it. There is an Entire Universe out there, waiting for you to take it by the horns and discover things you have never thought you'd see or do. And it's up to all of us to take that with a wondering interest. Will you be the explorer and try to discover what makes this universe go? Or will you be the person watching on T.V. ?
Just remember, life is full of let downs, sadness, anger; to Triumphs, joy, greatness. Or even the missed shots, and disheartening rejections.. But it's how you react to every single thing life throws at you that makes you, well YOU. And it's also how you learn from those experiences. But in the end it's what you know about yourself that others will never that makes you so unique.. So grow, Grow and become something bigger then the universe. And let who you are speak to millions as that will resonate throughout the universe as many things in life can..