Monday, May 9, 2011

Not sure where i'm going with this one..

This is going to be a SHIT ton of stuff i just randomly think of.. And end up writing about..

Now why do we say we are never good enough? We say it because we either A.) say it to get others to stop thinking about us and move on. Or B.) because we think low of ourselves. We often think so low of ourselves because of troubling times. We somewhat lose ourselves due to ourselves.. (if that makes sense) We become something we don't like to see.. Wether it be a Pessimist, or a Drunken Ignorant Kid.. When hit with a troubling issue we become the opposite of what we stand for or even what we see in people..

Why do we always have to hurt others? Because we are hurt ourselves.. We are sad with what we have, We cannot stand what we live for.. We think our life is hell so we make others feel that hell.. We cannot stand being alone in life.. So we make DAMN SURE that others feel the exact same way.. Which is quite stupid.. But it happens.. And we can either learn from the hurt or fall into it and burn...

Why do we become addicted? We become addicted to things to escape our lives.. Whether it be a Stressful life, or even a Hell hole.. We only want to escape our lives because they have become so overwhelming.. That we have to find some way of getting away from it all, it could be drinking.. going to the gym.. smoking.. or even doing some hardcore drugs.. But in the end we are all fragile.. And trying to escape reality is nothing to joke about.. But at the same time it feels so good, no stress, no drama... Just enjoying life..

What do we Deserve? We all deserve as humans to be treated as well Humans. We deserve to be accepted by peers. That no matter what issues, flaws, or mistakes we only want to be accepted. And when we don't get accepted we fall into a deep depression.. We then TRY our damn near hardest to become something we never were.. So remember this.. We try our whole life to be Accepted, to be wanted.. To feel that special thing we sometimes call Love.. All we want is someone to be there for us in our time of need.. So please don't say you "Deserve" better.. Because who is to say i don't deserve something like you?

Why are we always downing ourselves? It's because of like what i said our longing to be accepted.. When that misfires.. We down ourselves. We cannot think of ourselves as one to be looked at by the opposite sex.. We constantly think of ourselves as "Ugly" or "A Waste Of Space" Which doesn't help at all...

ME... I've grown tired of being told, "You have a life time ahead of you etc etc etc..." I get it.. I have maybe 50+? years ahead of me.. But what if i am tired of waiting for my god damn lottery ticket..? What if i just want the million dollar woman now? What if i am tired of the constant feeling of being alone? What if i don't have the patience anymore? What if i have grown to accept the knowledge of possibly being alone for a long time? What if i never get another chance?.. Now this town is boring.. And since it is boring i have picked up some things to do.. And it helps me forget about shit.. But what if i wanted someone to talk to..? To take the free time i have and make it count...

What if all i wanted in life right now is to just have someone next to me? Yes i know "RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!!" Blah Blah.. But to be honest i just want to have a GIRL that i can CHILL with all alone just me and her, no drama, no friends, Just me and a Girl.. Getting to know each other.. Maybe holding hands while walking.. Maybe even giving her a kiss on the cheek.. Taking her out to dinner and a movie.. Just enjoying the presence of a WOMAN.. I mean at times i sit there and think about what i am missing out on.. The simplest fucking thing in the world.. That attraction.. That feeling of acceptance.. I understand having friends.. But what if i didn't want more friends...? What if i actually only wanted to have a Girlfriend? What if i just want to feel "Loved"..?

I feel like whenever i hear repeats of something i slightly lose whatever that is.. Like, " Hey you have a lifetime ahead of you..." or "You are a Great Guy"... or "Why can't all guys be like you?" or "Your writing is GREAT".. or "You are so inspirational!".. Every time i hear those answers i feel like they have no meaning anymore.. I hear it so much it's repetitive.. And it seems Meaningless.. What if i don't have a Life time? What if i was to die in a week?... What if i am not a "Great Guy"..? Or What if i am who i am.. And YOU are just blind..? What if i think what i write is complete crap because ANYONE can do it...? What if i am not inspirational... And in fact You are?

It seems like for a Life time i've always wanted to feel accepted.. Or wanted or even thought of.. But when it happens sometimes i just think, " why the fuck did i do this...? It's like what's the fucking point? I'm just going to be let down again... And later never remembered again..."

Because if you knew i was dying would it change you? Would it make you change your views on me? on life? on reality as we know it? Most likely it wouldn't.. As most people could give a shit less of what happens in another mans life.. But if i heard any of my friends were in trouble.. in a jam.. or just sad.. I'd be there and i always have now that i think about it.. I'm tired of being the Care guy.. I'm fucking tired of caring so much about friends... I feel at times like I PERSONALLY have to be the one to say something.. Fuck i don't know where this paragraph is going... But seriously.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THIS SHIT!?!?!?!

Nice guys always wins my ass.. After all the sorrow.. Heart break.. and misery.. THEN we win.. Because then others see us... It's fucking bull shit... and my mind is just losing the thought process... so.. here i will end it...

Yet again i will say this.. If you disliked anything i've said please excuse me.. Please don't be like " SUICIDE WATCH FOR JARED" Because to be honest I'm tired of the " I'm sorry you feel that way jared.. maybe you should... etc etc" The guilt trip stuff basically is what i am tired of.. WRITE ME AN HONEST COMMENT... Tell me i am crazy.. or i am right.. i don't care anymore...

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